im still here.....

Waiting on AF, oh joy.  I am so hoping that last moth we had some really good luck and maybe got pregnant on our own, but im pretty sure I shouldnt hold my breath....... This last month was super busy it seems!  Work has been crazy non stop with the holidays almost here, it seems that every weekend we have something going on too.

Today I got 2 early Christmas presents!!!! New carpet and a new vacuum!!!!!!  I have been wanting new carpet for the last 3 years and this year I finally talked my hubby into it.  The sad part was that our deal was to get new carpet when I was 3 months pregnant, so today was a little bitter sweet for me.  I am super excited to not deal with the mess of it all when I am pregnant next time though!

My BFF is getting married in June so I got to help her pick out her wedding dress, which I absolutely LOVE to do!  I swear I should work at a bridal salon, im not sure why but I think wedding dresses are pretty darn awesome!  I am also in her wedding party so we are in the process of finding bridesmaid dresses too!  I really hope that I will be able to fit in to something that doesnt resemble a sheet in June if (knock on wood) Im 6 months pregnant.

For those of you wondering what the status is with my SIL..... well it was nothing as of this last week, she didnt come to that family get together that we had(she had a mary kay thing in Portland) so that was nice! My hubby had lunch with his brother this last week and let him know that his wife needed to be the first to make a move, that I was not going to reach out to her.  I think that sparked something because this week I received a letter from her, honestly I am happy that she finally stepped up to the plate and grew some balls!  The letter was pretty much what I thought it would be, apologizing for not telling me and for getting pregnant when they did blah blah blah...... I think im still to pissed to let it all go right this second but I know I will in time.  I just have to realize that I have to deal with her differently because she has such a hard time grasping reality.

Im so excited and nervous for January!  I cant wait to start the FET process but I am also so so scared, I dont want to lose another baby, I dont want to go through that again...........

Here we go...................

Oh I wanted to share a photo of my family with you all!  We just had these pictures taken by one of my oldest friends from high school who has an amazing talent behind the camera!  Check here out @ softfocus-photography.com

not sure how I feel about this....

So today I am struggling letting go of a some anger I have towards my SIL, you see the day before we were to get our results from IVF I found out on Facebook that she was pregnant with her 3rd.  To make matters worse I had been completely open with her about our IF struggles and our IVF journey, yet she still had the nerve to "steal my thunder" as I have been saying, she didnt even have the decency to send an email or call me to let me know.  There is much more to the story and my history with my SIL that I wont get into now but I wanted to give you the just of the situation.  Any how we are having a family get together next weekend, this will be the first time I have talked to/seen her since I found out about her pregnancy on FB.  Im not sure what to say to her or even if I am ready to talk to her, its going to be bad enough to have to look at her pregnant belly let alone her face :/.  I have asked my hubby to call his brother and ask him to let her and himself know that I DO NOT WANT to talk about the miscarriage or our next steps, I just want to be left alone.  I hope I dont sound too bitter but its just the way I am feeling right now, maybe just maybe tomorrow I will feel different.........

blah blah....

Not much to report....... Hubs and I went to the beach this last weekend and had a wonderfully beautiful day on saturday :)  We spent time walking on the beach with Mo and spending some alone time together.  We also started doing P90X this week, man oh man I am so so sore!  I am still feeling super bloated and have some pretty good pains in my abdomen at times which im sure is just my body healing.  I am excited to be working out again, I have missed running I cant believe I am writing that!!!!!!  Nothing new on the work front, still waiting on a call back from the hiring manager at corporate.  We launched red cups today as well as the super popular holiday drinks (boo egg nog) it seems so surreal that its that time of year already!

when does it end.....

I am heartbroken, my friends who did IVF a month after us just lost their baby.  I was praying so hard for them to have their miracle, to beat the odds, to bring a beautiful healthy baby into the world.  To my friends and others who have lost, words can not express how sorry I am for you, I feel your pain and grieve with you.  I pray that in the near future we will get our miracle.  We will win the fight.............. I love you all so very much.

here it comes.....

Today AF arrived..........  I really wasnt expecting it to come so soon, 4 weeks to be exact.  I guess its a good thing right????  Means my body is healing.  Still the reality of going to the bathroom and seeing blood is very overwhelming to me, the sight of blood from down there makes me want to scream and pass out.  Honestly I dont know what I was expecting, I knew this day would come.  Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks, yesterday I would have been beginning the second trimester.  Today I am sad, today I am also hopeful for the future.  Yesterday I had an amazing conversation with someone who has gone through more pain and heartache than me, yet we were able to talk and help each other feel better. I   feel better talking to someone who has experienced what I have.

Throughout our entire IF process I have been very open and honest with our families sharing our story.  After the miscarriage I have felt the complete opposite, I want to hide from everyone, I dont want to talk about it.  It seems that no one really wanted to talk about our IF before but now want to talk about the miscarriage, shouldnt it be the opposite?  For those whom I have talked to that have experienced the loss of a baby/pregnancy its the last thing you want to talk about.  I have learned through our loss that someone in our family has had 2 losses, yet I never knew, they never talked about it, so why do I need to talk about our loss with them?  I guess im just feeling like there is a double standard for those of us who are IF.  I love my family, I am truly blessed to have their love and support, however right now I dont want to talk, right now I want to be left alone, right now I am trying to keep my head up and dont feel the need to talk and talk and talk.  Right now I am trying to heal..............

struggling

I am having a tough day..........  I have been comforted and inspired by some blogs that I have found and started following, however this weekend I read that a woman lost her twins at 20 weeks.  I am at a loss for words. Why? Why does something like this have to happen to a person who had already struggled with IF?  I also am a big fan of Bill and Gulianna Rancic, I love their show and have related to her during IVF.  I was so shocked today to learn that she has breast cancer....... why?  I have been asking why a lot today, why do I have to struggle with unexplained IF and a recent miscarriage?  Why do other women have to struggle with IF way worse than me?  Why do I have to get a new job?  Why cant I keep my job and have a successful pregnancy?  Why does the financial burned of IF suck so bad?

I am hopeful for the future because I tell myself to be, right now I am having a hard time, but I tell myself every minute of every day to believe it.   I am blessed with the most amazing husband and family, right now we are struggling to make sense of everything.  I know in my heart we will find the right path.........

Until then we await a January FET.........

life goes on......

So its been 3 weeks........ I am feeling PMS symptoms again, I guess thats a good sign.  I am excited to try again but also scared to death!  We were able to freeze 12 amazing quality embryos and I am very hopeful that our future child/children are there :)  I have a follow up appointment with my RE scheduled for friday, he told me that we could decide then weather we do a FET in Dec or Jan.  If we do it in January we will go on our vacation in December to Cabo, dont get me wrong I would much rather be pregnant!

During our last visit with our RE we discussed me getting a new job, he REALLY HATES my job.  I guess being on your feet 10hrs a day and having the stress of a Starbucks store manager is not the best when it comes to getting pregnant/having a baby when you already have issues, that might not be the best thing?!  So I need to look for a new job....great.  I have a monthly meeting with my boss scheduled on friday so lucky me I get to talk to her about leaving my store.  I am so nervous and scared, all I know is my job, 11 years I have worked for Starbucks.  Blood. Sweat. Tears.  I am so confused, should I start a new job? Should I stick it out?  Is there a reason I havent conceived on my own for all these years?  AHHHHH what to do......stay  tuned for that.

In other news, hubby and I are going to take a weekend trip to the beach at the end of the month, I couldnt be more excited :) We also bought a juicer this last weekend, check out the documentary Fat, Sick and nearly dead, its amazing!  Juicing at 5am has been our routine all week and its been kind of fun, the juice? well thats another story!

trying to recover.......

So after my horrible experience at the hospital I finally came home and slept for hours straight(with the help of pain meds of course) My hubby was so amazing during this time, I really dont know what I would do without him.  I was able to figure out my work schedule thankfully as my doc said absolutely no work for 15 days (mind you I had just come back to work after a 30 day leave), in the land of Starbucks that is a lifetime!  Im am very lucky to have such a great team of employees that completely understood everything.

After 2 days of being home my RE wanted to see me for our WTF appointment and to follow up about the complications from the miscarriage. During this time I heard from the other doc who performed the D&C, she proceeded to tell me that the pathologist didnt find any placenta and she may have not gotten all of it out and I may need to have another one done........great.  I still wasnt feeling very good but thought why would I? I just experienced the worst 2 days of my life.  In to the Dr. K's we went, well he took one look at me and said "you dont look very well" and immediately took me into the ultrasound room.  From there it was bad news, he must have pulled out 3 or 4 clots from my cervix and said my uterus was still full of blood and I most likely had an infection from all the "left over" blood clots.  After the ultrasound he drew blood and put me on an IV of saline and an IV of antibiotics.......right. in. the. office.... marvelous.  As I was sitting there I almost passed out 3 times from sheer panic, um how much more could I take?  He sent my hubby to pick up more antibiotics while my mom and the staff tried to get the results from the doctors office.  Remember how wonderful I said this hospital was??  Well now they were not cooperating with my RE to give him the results, ahhhhhhh!  After 2 hours in the office he sent us home with 4 bottles of pills and a ton of iron (turns out my hematocrit was 24 normal is 35).  He told me to come see him in 2 days to re-draw blood to ensure my levels were going back up and that my infection was gone, also he told us that if they my blood level didnt go up I might have to get a blood transfusion.  So not only did I not get to ask any of my numerous questions I was very sick.  It took a good 5 days to feel somewhat better and more human, thankfully my blood level was moving in the right direction and I didnt have an infection anymore.  Lucky me is all I have to say.

feeling so alone.......

2 weeks........its been to 2 weeks since I lost our beautiful baby.  I cant believe it, I still keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  I feel like no one understands the pain and isolation I feel, I know my husband and family are mourning our loss as well but I feel like I have daily if not minutely reminders of what will never be.

I am thankful that most all of my complications from the miscarriage are gone, but my mental complications are still here.  I received an email from my mother in law today asking if I was up to inviting my brother and sister in law(who is pregnant and due in the beginning of april, a month before my would have been due date) over to dinner with her on friday night.   UM NO!!!!!!  I am not ready to see her pregnant belly, I cant even imagine that right now.  People keep telling me "most women miscarry the first time they are pregnant", "it will happen for you" " you have more eggs" yes I know all these things! The fact is I wanted the baby that I lost, that baby and the fact that I will never get to kiss those cheeks or smell that wonderful baby smell from my baby breaks my heart.

2 weeks ago today was just another normal day, I got up went to work came home and took and nap, went to a friends house for dinner and then bam my life changed forever.  Feeling sick from a cold I decided to gargle with some salt water, well silly me I of course had to accidentally swallow some.....ewwww.  Soon after I begin to feel weird stomach cramps and lower back pain, thinking I had an upset tummy from the salt water I thought nothing of it, why would I? Everything was going so well. Not soon after I went to bed my bladder was telling me it was time for trip one of what had become the first of many bathroom visits during the night.  Every time I would go to the bathroom I would check to make sure there was nothing on the tp, well that night my worst fear came true.  What began as a little blood soon turned into a big gush, Im not really sure how hard I screamed but my hubby flew out of bed and came running to the bathroom where I sat in hysterics pleading why god why?  We called our RE and he told me not to think the worst yet and to come see him first thing in the morning and just try to sleep, um sure sleep how about cry hysterically.  After what seemed like a lifetime of crying and feeling that something was so very wrong, I tried so hard to close my eyes and sleep.  I woke up at 1am feeling worse cramps, hysterical again I woke up my husband and asked him to help me to the bathroom as I felt the need to pass out from my emotions and the pain.  There I passed the first of 3 huge tissue/clots and became increasingly aware that I was losing our baby, at 3am I couldnt handle the pain anymore and needed to go to the ER.  Getting down the stairs and into the car without passing out was extremely hard.

The AMAZING staff of nurses and doctors at the ER made me feel a sense of calm, the nurse kept telling me "you can lose a lot of blood and still be pregnant" but in my heart I knew our baby was gone  After getting an IV started, lots of pain medication and numerous changes of the puppy pads from underneath me the ultrasound tech finally arrived.  She was so stoic, little did I know that her job required her to be that was, but honestly no emotion from her at all.  As she was moving the ultrasound around I got to see my uterus.....EMPTY, well not empty but no baby, just blood, a lot of blood.  The doctor recommended that I be transferred by ambulance to another hospital so I could have an emergency D&C to stop the enormous amount of blood that I was losing.  Mind you its 5am by this point and I had still not slept, I remember feeling like I was trying so hard to wake up from a dream, I just felt fuzzy.  My blood pressure had dipped to 100/70 and was concerning the doctor so I had to go by ambulance, no choice but to be strapped to a stretcher, bleeding horribly and crying hysterically.

The ambulance ride sucked, the poor EMT in the back with me kept trying to make small talk but all I could do was cry.  Once we got to the next hospital I was once again admitted to the ER where they proceeded to take 4 more vials of blood......um hello dont you know how much blood I have lost/am losing?????  The staff was horrible, no words, nothing.  All I wanted was my husband, yet no one would let him into the room, more hysterical crying(I think that made them go get him).  Once the on call doctor was at the hospital she came in to let us know about the procedure and risks, um how about you dont tell me the risks as I am pretty sure it just made me more hysterical.  Up to the operating room I went, after the anesthesiologist worked his magic I was out.  Once I woke up I was alone in a huge cold room, I called out for a nurse to get my husband, once again I was told not yet :(  they needed more blood from me HUH!!!!???? in comes the evil blood girl who tried 3 times to get into my vein while I am crying so hard that I cant stop shaking, she says to me "you have really small veins" well maybe thats because I have lost a quarter of my bodies blood IDIOT!  Finally I was taken to the discharge room where I got to be with my hubby, after another hour of monitoring I was finally released to go home........what comes next is just the icing on the cake.

snow babies

So we transferred our 2 beautiful snow babies on August 16th, 2 5day balstocysts.  Oh boy the transfer wasnt fun at all, first of all I didnt fill my bladder enough so they filled it for me, first time having a catheter not so much fun I really thought I was going to pee on my doc.  After what seemed like an eternity they were in, my babies!  I got to lay on the wonderful surgery table for an hour an a half all by myself, laying there letting all of these wonderful thoughts run through my head!  I was pregnant until proven otherwise, my dream of being a mom was finally coming true. On our way home my mom and hubby were so excited and told me I HAD to follow my doc's instructions to a T, thankfully I had taken a month off from work to ensure I had no stress, because my RE didnt want me to move for 3 days, yep 3 whole days.  3 days of no showers, seeing outside or taking care of myself in general....... YUCK  Lets just say I was willing to swim with sharks if he told me that would help our chances of a BFP.  Thankfully I have a wonderful mom, hubby and extended family who were willing to help out, our dog had never seen so many visitors im pretty sure he thought they were all coming to see him :) After three wonderful days on bedrest I finally was able to take a shower and stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time.  Bring on the 2ww, its amazing what will run through your head in those 2 weeks.  I cheated and POAS the day before my beta, first off im a little impatient and forgot to wait the 2 minutes that youre supposed to.  I swear I was so upset from not seeing 2 lines that I almost threw it away, I went to change my clothes, as im crying my eyes out at this point, came back to the test and sure enough there it was a faint second line!!!!!!!!!!! I thought OMG I am pregnant it worked!  The next day it was confirmed with a beta of 45 11dp5dt, a little low but still PREGNANT holy moly.  Over the next week I went in for more betas 2nd was 220 3rd was 560 and then the day we got to see our beautiful baby, one little bean measuring right on track  6weeks 3 days.  I almost felt like I was floating above my body looking down and thinking is this really happening?????  As we saw the little heart beating I couldnt help but think I cant wait to meet you, kiss your checks and love you more than I have ever loved anything in this world..........

update time

well where to begin.......... IVF I still dont know what to think as I write IVF, I thought it was the answer to our prayers, I thought it would work for sure.  After 3 weeks of needles full of hormones(up to 6 shots a day), daily ultrasounds and blood work we completed our stimulation part of IVF.  On August 12th I went in for my egg retrieval, oh boy what a procedure that was.  Let me back up, the day before I was told that I could not eat yes thats right no eating for almost 24hrs and "flush" myself out with nasty magnesium citrate which equaled lots of time spent on the toilet. So back to the egg retrieval...... upstairs in the surgery room I was told to undress from the waist down and put one of the super cute hospital gowns on, the anesthesia lady came in to look at my throat to ensure it was open enough incase I needed to be intibated(thankfully I didnt), next it was into the super sterile room with huge lights on the ceiling and a fun looking bed/table right in the middle.  In the room thankfully was one of the nurses Dana whom I love she put my nerves at ease as I was hooked up to oxygen and heart rate monitors, next was the dreaded IV(have I told you how much I hate needles) I honestly only felt a little prick in my hand and it was over!!!!!  The nice anesthesia lady told be to take deep breaths and relax, ya sure lady, I remember Dana strapping my legs into the stirrups and then boom nothing.........I woke up in the recovery room with my wonderful nurse Julie right next to me telling me how well I did, YAY!  20 eggs, yes thats right 20 eggs holy moly no wonder why I was so uncomfortable and couldnt hardly move sheesh.  Next it was get dressed and meet Dr. K downstairs in the office, hmm im not sure I liked the sound of that, well it turns out that I had a wonderful ER but I was overstimulated, YIKES.  Turns out that it was good/bad news, bad news because my poor abdomen looked like I was 8 months pregnant and I was in a lot of pain.  Over the next couple days I took it easy which was much needed after the ER.  Every day the wonderful Vince(embryologist extraordinaire) called us to let us know how the embies where growing......... 18 out of 20 eggs fertilized and all 14 of those made it to 5 day blastocyts which is the best quality!!  YAY!  We chose to transfer 2 of those snowbabies... I will write about that part in a couple days

its been awhile

So much has happened since my last entry, jeeze I really need to get better about keeping up on this :)  Our 1st appointment with Dr. Kustin back in February was awesome I really liked him so did Joby and mom, true he is a little "rough around the edges" but still I knew that he had our best interest at heart.  He looked at our file from 2008 when we started this whole and said that based off our test results we would be fine to try 3 IUI cycles then move on to IVF if needed.  I was super excited to hear that we still had a chance to try to conceive that way rather that jumping right in to IVF, we started that day with a "natural IUI cycle" meaning no hormone drugs for me just a trigger shot to get me to ovulate and then using Joby's sperm presto an IUI cycle.  Then comes the dreaded 2 week wait........... the longest 2 weeks of my life truly.  Well we all know how that turned out, we ended up doing 3 more IUI cycles with a drug called clomid for me oh yay let me tell you its not fun I now know how my mom feels getting hot flashes :( along with hot flashes comes mood swings bloating and all around just being super uncomfortable but hey its worth it right?????!!!!  So all 4 IUI's did not work, everytime I would go to get my blood drawn on day 21 of my  cycle they would say oh everything looks so wonderful!  Grrrr well not some much, going in for another blood draw 5 days later to only be told 3 hours later that youre not pregnant really sucks.  So that leaves us in the present well last week to be exact, mom and I went to meet Dr. Kustin to talk about the IVF process, well it seems that Joby's sprem are lazy(sorry honey) and cant fertilize my eggs.  Dr Kustin said that I have had enough and its time to move on, so in I went for yet another fun exam the sonogram of my uterus, doesn't sound too bad right? wrong!  Just like a pap only then a catheter of saline goes up into my uterus so the doc can see exactly where he will place the eggs and to ensure that there are not any fibroids growing in there.  Ahhh im so done with these tests, the cramping and invasiveness is just overwhelming, but I am happy to report that my uterus looks amazing :)  After the fun test I got to sit on a puppy pee pad while all the saline came out, im pretty sure thats what your water breaking must feel like ewwww.  Thank God I have such an amazing supportive mother who was there to hold my hand and make me feel better.  As of today I still have many questions about IVF and what will happen but im trying to be patient and go with the flow. We will have the schedule hopefully around the 26th of June for the actual procedure in August!!!!!  For those of you who are curious what IVF is/does check out www.seattleivf.com its my doctors website and is super informative. Until next time, love you all.........

Excited for the future

So I have been waiting very patiently for our appointment with Dr. Kustin! Well today was the day........let me just say I was not sure what to expect going in to the appointment as I had been hearing lots of stuff about the doctor and his personality or lack there of, I had even warned Joby about what to expect.  I am happy to report that we LOVED him!  He is a pretty amazing doctor, just walking in to his office and looking at an entire wall covered in his plaques made me think this is going to be great!  He started off looking at my past blood work and fertility results from 3 years ago, right off the bat he put me at ease, he told me that I had many tests done that were not needed, that I was young and in great health and my husband was too and that he sees us having a baby :) :) Now the road to get there could be long, hard, painful and stressful but he sees it!!!!!!!!  So we are going to start off with a ultrasound of my ovaries on the 17th to see if I have any good eggs, if so we will do a IUI(artificial insemination) So wish us luck!!!!  I will update after the ultrasound

30th year

I thought documenting my 30th year might be something good for me to do, man 30 it just sounds weird to say.  I thought for sure that I would have a child by now, I never imagined the road that Joby and I would have to travel to see our dreams of creating a child come true.  From the moment I met my husband I knew he would be the best father(obviously:) ) The way he is with Gwenna and every other child we know melts my heart.  After almost 4 years of marriage and almost 3 years of trying to conceive a child the natural way we have once again decided to embark on the journey of getting pregnant!  I am full of hope and fear, as you know I am a little bit of a worry wart its just in my nature. Will it work? Will I have to do invitro? I am so ready to be sick 24/7 for 9 months I have no complaints about it.  Bring on the shots, invasive procedures I don't care I want a baby that much, I know people don't believe me when I say it but its true.  I find myself asking God to help me out almost every day, trying to bargain with him, just let me be sick for the whole 9 months ok? (I know it sounds silly) When you become desperate you will let your mind wander alot.  I have met so many wonderful people who have gone through so many different forms of fertility treatments yet it seems to be such a taboo subject with many of my family members. I go to family get togethers and NO ONE even asks about it any more, its almost like they dont want to hurt my feelings or get in to the discussion.  I wish it could be a easier subject, its not fun sitting in a room listening to people talk about everyone else's future plans but ours.  I have become pretty quite about the subject myself. Sometimes I wonder if having my own child just isn't in the cards for me, I have truly been blessed with the most amazing life a person could as for.  I have the best parents, we spent so much time together as I was growing up, I don't know many kids that have had the privilege to experience some of the things that I have.  My parents amaze me every day, they are so in love it almost makes you want to gag :) I can't wait to see them with a grandchild, my dad, the big scary gruff guy.  Thinking about those moments only makes me want it that much more.  I know that I need to be patient, relax and tone down the stress, these are all things that I am working on everyday. Being happy for people who are pregnant.......ya i'm not quite there yet sorry if that makes me sound evil but it honsetly has nothing to do with "the people" who are just the situation that they are and i'm not.  I will get there I promise :)