feeling so alone.......

2 weeks........its been to 2 weeks since I lost our beautiful baby.  I cant believe it, I still keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  I feel like no one understands the pain and isolation I feel, I know my husband and family are mourning our loss as well but I feel like I have daily if not minutely reminders of what will never be.

I am thankful that most all of my complications from the miscarriage are gone, but my mental complications are still here.  I received an email from my mother in law today asking if I was up to inviting my brother and sister in law(who is pregnant and due in the beginning of april, a month before my would have been due date) over to dinner with her on friday night.   UM NO!!!!!!  I am not ready to see her pregnant belly, I cant even imagine that right now.  People keep telling me "most women miscarry the first time they are pregnant", "it will happen for you" " you have more eggs" yes I know all these things! The fact is I wanted the baby that I lost, that baby and the fact that I will never get to kiss those cheeks or smell that wonderful baby smell from my baby breaks my heart.

2 weeks ago today was just another normal day, I got up went to work came home and took and nap, went to a friends house for dinner and then bam my life changed forever.  Feeling sick from a cold I decided to gargle with some salt water, well silly me I of course had to accidentally swallow some.....ewwww.  Soon after I begin to feel weird stomach cramps and lower back pain, thinking I had an upset tummy from the salt water I thought nothing of it, why would I? Everything was going so well. Not soon after I went to bed my bladder was telling me it was time for trip one of what had become the first of many bathroom visits during the night.  Every time I would go to the bathroom I would check to make sure there was nothing on the tp, well that night my worst fear came true.  What began as a little blood soon turned into a big gush, Im not really sure how hard I screamed but my hubby flew out of bed and came running to the bathroom where I sat in hysterics pleading why god why?  We called our RE and he told me not to think the worst yet and to come see him first thing in the morning and just try to sleep, um sure sleep how about cry hysterically.  After what seemed like a lifetime of crying and feeling that something was so very wrong, I tried so hard to close my eyes and sleep.  I woke up at 1am feeling worse cramps, hysterical again I woke up my husband and asked him to help me to the bathroom as I felt the need to pass out from my emotions and the pain.  There I passed the first of 3 huge tissue/clots and became increasingly aware that I was losing our baby, at 3am I couldnt handle the pain anymore and needed to go to the ER.  Getting down the stairs and into the car without passing out was extremely hard.

The AMAZING staff of nurses and doctors at the ER made me feel a sense of calm, the nurse kept telling me "you can lose a lot of blood and still be pregnant" but in my heart I knew our baby was gone  After getting an IV started, lots of pain medication and numerous changes of the puppy pads from underneath me the ultrasound tech finally arrived.  She was so stoic, little did I know that her job required her to be that was, but honestly no emotion from her at all.  As she was moving the ultrasound around I got to see my uterus.....EMPTY, well not empty but no baby, just blood, a lot of blood.  The doctor recommended that I be transferred by ambulance to another hospital so I could have an emergency D&C to stop the enormous amount of blood that I was losing.  Mind you its 5am by this point and I had still not slept, I remember feeling like I was trying so hard to wake up from a dream, I just felt fuzzy.  My blood pressure had dipped to 100/70 and was concerning the doctor so I had to go by ambulance, no choice but to be strapped to a stretcher, bleeding horribly and crying hysterically.

The ambulance ride sucked, the poor EMT in the back with me kept trying to make small talk but all I could do was cry.  Once we got to the next hospital I was once again admitted to the ER where they proceeded to take 4 more vials of blood......um hello dont you know how much blood I have lost/am losing?????  The staff was horrible, no words, nothing.  All I wanted was my husband, yet no one would let him into the room, more hysterical crying(I think that made them go get him).  Once the on call doctor was at the hospital she came in to let us know about the procedure and risks, um how about you dont tell me the risks as I am pretty sure it just made me more hysterical.  Up to the operating room I went, after the anesthesiologist worked his magic I was out.  Once I woke up I was alone in a huge cold room, I called out for a nurse to get my husband, once again I was told not yet :(  they needed more blood from me HUH!!!!???? in comes the evil blood girl who tried 3 times to get into my vein while I am crying so hard that I cant stop shaking, she says to me "you have really small veins" well maybe thats because I have lost a quarter of my bodies blood IDIOT!  Finally I was taken to the discharge room where I got to be with my hubby, after another hour of monitoring I was finally released to go home........what comes next is just the icing on the cake.