30th year

I thought documenting my 30th year might be something good for me to do, man 30 it just sounds weird to say.  I thought for sure that I would have a child by now, I never imagined the road that Joby and I would have to travel to see our dreams of creating a child come true.  From the moment I met my husband I knew he would be the best father(obviously:) ) The way he is with Gwenna and every other child we know melts my heart.  After almost 4 years of marriage and almost 3 years of trying to conceive a child the natural way we have once again decided to embark on the journey of getting pregnant!  I am full of hope and fear, as you know I am a little bit of a worry wart its just in my nature. Will it work? Will I have to do invitro? I am so ready to be sick 24/7 for 9 months I have no complaints about it.  Bring on the shots, invasive procedures I don't care I want a baby that much, I know people don't believe me when I say it but its true.  I find myself asking God to help me out almost every day, trying to bargain with him, just let me be sick for the whole 9 months ok? (I know it sounds silly) When you become desperate you will let your mind wander alot.  I have met so many wonderful people who have gone through so many different forms of fertility treatments yet it seems to be such a taboo subject with many of my family members. I go to family get togethers and NO ONE even asks about it any more, its almost like they dont want to hurt my feelings or get in to the discussion.  I wish it could be a easier subject, its not fun sitting in a room listening to people talk about everyone else's future plans but ours.  I have become pretty quite about the subject myself. Sometimes I wonder if having my own child just isn't in the cards for me, I have truly been blessed with the most amazing life a person could as for.  I have the best parents, we spent so much time together as I was growing up, I don't know many kids that have had the privilege to experience some of the things that I have.  My parents amaze me every day, they are so in love it almost makes you want to gag :) I can't wait to see them with a grandchild, my dad, the big scary gruff guy.  Thinking about those moments only makes me want it that much more.  I know that I need to be patient, relax and tone down the stress, these are all things that I am working on everyday. Being happy for people who are pregnant.......ya i'm not quite there yet sorry if that makes me sound evil but it honsetly has nothing to do with "the people" who are just the situation that they are and i'm not.  I will get there I promise :)