here it comes.....

Today AF arrived..........  I really wasnt expecting it to come so soon, 4 weeks to be exact.  I guess its a good thing right????  Means my body is healing.  Still the reality of going to the bathroom and seeing blood is very overwhelming to me, the sight of blood from down there makes me want to scream and pass out.  Honestly I dont know what I was expecting, I knew this day would come.  Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks, yesterday I would have been beginning the second trimester.  Today I am sad, today I am also hopeful for the future.  Yesterday I had an amazing conversation with someone who has gone through more pain and heartache than me, yet we were able to talk and help each other feel better. I   feel better talking to someone who has experienced what I have.

Throughout our entire IF process I have been very open and honest with our families sharing our story.  After the miscarriage I have felt the complete opposite, I want to hide from everyone, I dont want to talk about it.  It seems that no one really wanted to talk about our IF before but now want to talk about the miscarriage, shouldnt it be the opposite?  For those whom I have talked to that have experienced the loss of a baby/pregnancy its the last thing you want to talk about.  I have learned through our loss that someone in our family has had 2 losses, yet I never knew, they never talked about it, so why do I need to talk about our loss with them?  I guess im just feeling like there is a double standard for those of us who are IF.  I love my family, I am truly blessed to have their love and support, however right now I dont want to talk, right now I want to be left alone, right now I am trying to keep my head up and dont feel the need to talk and talk and talk.  Right now I am trying to heal..............