when does it end.....

I am heartbroken, my friends who did IVF a month after us just lost their baby.  I was praying so hard for them to have their miracle, to beat the odds, to bring a beautiful healthy baby into the world.  To my friends and others who have lost, words can not express how sorry I am for you, I feel your pain and grieve with you.  I pray that in the near future we will get our miracle.  We will win the fight.............. I love you all so very much.

here it comes.....

Today AF arrived..........  I really wasnt expecting it to come so soon, 4 weeks to be exact.  I guess its a good thing right????  Means my body is healing.  Still the reality of going to the bathroom and seeing blood is very overwhelming to me, the sight of blood from down there makes me want to scream and pass out.  Honestly I dont know what I was expecting, I knew this day would come.  Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks, yesterday I would have been beginning the second trimester.  Today I am sad, today I am also hopeful for the future.  Yesterday I had an amazing conversation with someone who has gone through more pain and heartache than me, yet we were able to talk and help each other feel better. I   feel better talking to someone who has experienced what I have.

Throughout our entire IF process I have been very open and honest with our families sharing our story.  After the miscarriage I have felt the complete opposite, I want to hide from everyone, I dont want to talk about it.  It seems that no one really wanted to talk about our IF before but now want to talk about the miscarriage, shouldnt it be the opposite?  For those whom I have talked to that have experienced the loss of a baby/pregnancy its the last thing you want to talk about.  I have learned through our loss that someone in our family has had 2 losses, yet I never knew, they never talked about it, so why do I need to talk about our loss with them?  I guess im just feeling like there is a double standard for those of us who are IF.  I love my family, I am truly blessed to have their love and support, however right now I dont want to talk, right now I want to be left alone, right now I am trying to keep my head up and dont feel the need to talk and talk and talk.  Right now I am trying to heal..............

struggling

I am having a tough day..........  I have been comforted and inspired by some blogs that I have found and started following, however this weekend I read that a woman lost her twins at 20 weeks.  I am at a loss for words. Why? Why does something like this have to happen to a person who had already struggled with IF?  I also am a big fan of Bill and Gulianna Rancic, I love their show and have related to her during IVF.  I was so shocked today to learn that she has breast cancer....... why?  I have been asking why a lot today, why do I have to struggle with unexplained IF and a recent miscarriage?  Why do other women have to struggle with IF way worse than me?  Why do I have to get a new job?  Why cant I keep my job and have a successful pregnancy?  Why does the financial burned of IF suck so bad?

I am hopeful for the future because I tell myself to be, right now I am having a hard time, but I tell myself every minute of every day to believe it.   I am blessed with the most amazing husband and family, right now we are struggling to make sense of everything.  I know in my heart we will find the right path.........

Until then we await a January FET.........

life goes on......

So its been 3 weeks........ I am feeling PMS symptoms again, I guess thats a good sign.  I am excited to try again but also scared to death!  We were able to freeze 12 amazing quality embryos and I am very hopeful that our future child/children are there :)  I have a follow up appointment with my RE scheduled for friday, he told me that we could decide then weather we do a FET in Dec or Jan.  If we do it in January we will go on our vacation in December to Cabo, dont get me wrong I would much rather be pregnant!

During our last visit with our RE we discussed me getting a new job, he REALLY HATES my job.  I guess being on your feet 10hrs a day and having the stress of a Starbucks store manager is not the best when it comes to getting pregnant/having a baby when you already have issues, that might not be the best thing?!  So I need to look for a new job....great.  I have a monthly meeting with my boss scheduled on friday so lucky me I get to talk to her about leaving my store.  I am so nervous and scared, all I know is my job, 11 years I have worked for Starbucks.  Blood. Sweat. Tears.  I am so confused, should I start a new job? Should I stick it out?  Is there a reason I havent conceived on my own for all these years?  AHHHHH what to do......stay  tuned for that.

In other news, hubby and I are going to take a weekend trip to the beach at the end of the month, I couldnt be more excited :) We also bought a juicer this last weekend, check out the documentary Fat, Sick and nearly dead, its amazing!  Juicing at 5am has been our routine all week and its been kind of fun, the juice? well thats another story!

trying to recover.......

So after my horrible experience at the hospital I finally came home and slept for hours straight(with the help of pain meds of course) My hubby was so amazing during this time, I really dont know what I would do without him.  I was able to figure out my work schedule thankfully as my doc said absolutely no work for 15 days (mind you I had just come back to work after a 30 day leave), in the land of Starbucks that is a lifetime!  Im am very lucky to have such a great team of employees that completely understood everything.

After 2 days of being home my RE wanted to see me for our WTF appointment and to follow up about the complications from the miscarriage. During this time I heard from the other doc who performed the D&C, she proceeded to tell me that the pathologist didnt find any placenta and she may have not gotten all of it out and I may need to have another one done........great.  I still wasnt feeling very good but thought why would I? I just experienced the worst 2 days of my life.  In to the Dr. K's we went, well he took one look at me and said "you dont look very well" and immediately took me into the ultrasound room.  From there it was bad news, he must have pulled out 3 or 4 clots from my cervix and said my uterus was still full of blood and I most likely had an infection from all the "left over" blood clots.  After the ultrasound he drew blood and put me on an IV of saline and an IV of antibiotics.......right. in. the. office.... marvelous.  As I was sitting there I almost passed out 3 times from sheer panic, um how much more could I take?  He sent my hubby to pick up more antibiotics while my mom and the staff tried to get the results from the doctors office.  Remember how wonderful I said this hospital was??  Well now they were not cooperating with my RE to give him the results, ahhhhhhh!  After 2 hours in the office he sent us home with 4 bottles of pills and a ton of iron (turns out my hematocrit was 24 normal is 35).  He told me to come see him in 2 days to re-draw blood to ensure my levels were going back up and that my infection was gone, also he told us that if they my blood level didnt go up I might have to get a blood transfusion.  So not only did I not get to ask any of my numerous questions I was very sick.  It took a good 5 days to feel somewhat better and more human, thankfully my blood level was moving in the right direction and I didnt have an infection anymore.  Lucky me is all I have to say.

feeling so alone.......

2 weeks........its been to 2 weeks since I lost our beautiful baby.  I cant believe it, I still keep waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  I feel like no one understands the pain and isolation I feel, I know my husband and family are mourning our loss as well but I feel like I have daily if not minutely reminders of what will never be.

I am thankful that most all of my complications from the miscarriage are gone, but my mental complications are still here.  I received an email from my mother in law today asking if I was up to inviting my brother and sister in law(who is pregnant and due in the beginning of april, a month before my would have been due date) over to dinner with her on friday night.   UM NO!!!!!!  I am not ready to see her pregnant belly, I cant even imagine that right now.  People keep telling me "most women miscarry the first time they are pregnant", "it will happen for you" " you have more eggs" yes I know all these things! The fact is I wanted the baby that I lost, that baby and the fact that I will never get to kiss those cheeks or smell that wonderful baby smell from my baby breaks my heart.

2 weeks ago today was just another normal day, I got up went to work came home and took and nap, went to a friends house for dinner and then bam my life changed forever.  Feeling sick from a cold I decided to gargle with some salt water, well silly me I of course had to accidentally swallow some.....ewwww.  Soon after I begin to feel weird stomach cramps and lower back pain, thinking I had an upset tummy from the salt water I thought nothing of it, why would I? Everything was going so well. Not soon after I went to bed my bladder was telling me it was time for trip one of what had become the first of many bathroom visits during the night.  Every time I would go to the bathroom I would check to make sure there was nothing on the tp, well that night my worst fear came true.  What began as a little blood soon turned into a big gush, Im not really sure how hard I screamed but my hubby flew out of bed and came running to the bathroom where I sat in hysterics pleading why god why?  We called our RE and he told me not to think the worst yet and to come see him first thing in the morning and just try to sleep, um sure sleep how about cry hysterically.  After what seemed like a lifetime of crying and feeling that something was so very wrong, I tried so hard to close my eyes and sleep.  I woke up at 1am feeling worse cramps, hysterical again I woke up my husband and asked him to help me to the bathroom as I felt the need to pass out from my emotions and the pain.  There I passed the first of 3 huge tissue/clots and became increasingly aware that I was losing our baby, at 3am I couldnt handle the pain anymore and needed to go to the ER.  Getting down the stairs and into the car without passing out was extremely hard.

The AMAZING staff of nurses and doctors at the ER made me feel a sense of calm, the nurse kept telling me "you can lose a lot of blood and still be pregnant" but in my heart I knew our baby was gone  After getting an IV started, lots of pain medication and numerous changes of the puppy pads from underneath me the ultrasound tech finally arrived.  She was so stoic, little did I know that her job required her to be that was, but honestly no emotion from her at all.  As she was moving the ultrasound around I got to see my uterus.....EMPTY, well not empty but no baby, just blood, a lot of blood.  The doctor recommended that I be transferred by ambulance to another hospital so I could have an emergency D&C to stop the enormous amount of blood that I was losing.  Mind you its 5am by this point and I had still not slept, I remember feeling like I was trying so hard to wake up from a dream, I just felt fuzzy.  My blood pressure had dipped to 100/70 and was concerning the doctor so I had to go by ambulance, no choice but to be strapped to a stretcher, bleeding horribly and crying hysterically.

The ambulance ride sucked, the poor EMT in the back with me kept trying to make small talk but all I could do was cry.  Once we got to the next hospital I was once again admitted to the ER where they proceeded to take 4 more vials of blood......um hello dont you know how much blood I have lost/am losing?????  The staff was horrible, no words, nothing.  All I wanted was my husband, yet no one would let him into the room, more hysterical crying(I think that made them go get him).  Once the on call doctor was at the hospital she came in to let us know about the procedure and risks, um how about you dont tell me the risks as I am pretty sure it just made me more hysterical.  Up to the operating room I went, after the anesthesiologist worked his magic I was out.  Once I woke up I was alone in a huge cold room, I called out for a nurse to get my husband, once again I was told not yet :(  they needed more blood from me HUH!!!!???? in comes the evil blood girl who tried 3 times to get into my vein while I am crying so hard that I cant stop shaking, she says to me "you have really small veins" well maybe thats because I have lost a quarter of my bodies blood IDIOT!  Finally I was taken to the discharge room where I got to be with my hubby, after another hour of monitoring I was finally released to go home........what comes next is just the icing on the cake.

snow babies

So we transferred our 2 beautiful snow babies on August 16th, 2 5day balstocysts.  Oh boy the transfer wasnt fun at all, first of all I didnt fill my bladder enough so they filled it for me, first time having a catheter not so much fun I really thought I was going to pee on my doc.  After what seemed like an eternity they were in, my babies!  I got to lay on the wonderful surgery table for an hour an a half all by myself, laying there letting all of these wonderful thoughts run through my head!  I was pregnant until proven otherwise, my dream of being a mom was finally coming true. On our way home my mom and hubby were so excited and told me I HAD to follow my doc's instructions to a T, thankfully I had taken a month off from work to ensure I had no stress, because my RE didnt want me to move for 3 days, yep 3 whole days.  3 days of no showers, seeing outside or taking care of myself in general....... YUCK  Lets just say I was willing to swim with sharks if he told me that would help our chances of a BFP.  Thankfully I have a wonderful mom, hubby and extended family who were willing to help out, our dog had never seen so many visitors im pretty sure he thought they were all coming to see him :) After three wonderful days on bedrest I finally was able to take a shower and stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time.  Bring on the 2ww, its amazing what will run through your head in those 2 weeks.  I cheated and POAS the day before my beta, first off im a little impatient and forgot to wait the 2 minutes that youre supposed to.  I swear I was so upset from not seeing 2 lines that I almost threw it away, I went to change my clothes, as im crying my eyes out at this point, came back to the test and sure enough there it was a faint second line!!!!!!!!!!! I thought OMG I am pregnant it worked!  The next day it was confirmed with a beta of 45 11dp5dt, a little low but still PREGNANT holy moly.  Over the next week I went in for more betas 2nd was 220 3rd was 560 and then the day we got to see our beautiful baby, one little bean measuring right on track  6weeks 3 days.  I almost felt like I was floating above my body looking down and thinking is this really happening?????  As we saw the little heart beating I couldnt help but think I cant wait to meet you, kiss your checks and love you more than I have ever loved anything in this world..........