im still here.....

Waiting on AF, oh joy.  I am so hoping that last moth we had some really good luck and maybe got pregnant on our own, but im pretty sure I shouldnt hold my breath....... This last month was super busy it seems!  Work has been crazy non stop with the holidays almost here, it seems that every weekend we have something going on too.

Today I got 2 early Christmas presents!!!! New carpet and a new vacuum!!!!!!  I have been wanting new carpet for the last 3 years and this year I finally talked my hubby into it.  The sad part was that our deal was to get new carpet when I was 3 months pregnant, so today was a little bitter sweet for me.  I am super excited to not deal with the mess of it all when I am pregnant next time though!

My BFF is getting married in June so I got to help her pick out her wedding dress, which I absolutely LOVE to do!  I swear I should work at a bridal salon, im not sure why but I think wedding dresses are pretty darn awesome!  I am also in her wedding party so we are in the process of finding bridesmaid dresses too!  I really hope that I will be able to fit in to something that doesnt resemble a sheet in June if (knock on wood) Im 6 months pregnant.

For those of you wondering what the status is with my SIL..... well it was nothing as of this last week, she didnt come to that family get together that we had(she had a mary kay thing in Portland) so that was nice! My hubby had lunch with his brother this last week and let him know that his wife needed to be the first to make a move, that I was not going to reach out to her.  I think that sparked something because this week I received a letter from her, honestly I am happy that she finally stepped up to the plate and grew some balls!  The letter was pretty much what I thought it would be, apologizing for not telling me and for getting pregnant when they did blah blah blah...... I think im still to pissed to let it all go right this second but I know I will in time.  I just have to realize that I have to deal with her differently because she has such a hard time grasping reality.

Im so excited and nervous for January!  I cant wait to start the FET process but I am also so so scared, I dont want to lose another baby, I dont want to go through that again...........

Here we go...................

Oh I wanted to share a photo of my family with you all!  We just had these pictures taken by one of my oldest friends from high school who has an amazing talent behind the camera!  Check here out @ softfocus-photography.com

not sure how I feel about this....

So today I am struggling letting go of a some anger I have towards my SIL, you see the day before we were to get our results from IVF I found out on Facebook that she was pregnant with her 3rd.  To make matters worse I had been completely open with her about our IF struggles and our IVF journey, yet she still had the nerve to "steal my thunder" as I have been saying, she didnt even have the decency to send an email or call me to let me know.  There is much more to the story and my history with my SIL that I wont get into now but I wanted to give you the just of the situation.  Any how we are having a family get together next weekend, this will be the first time I have talked to/seen her since I found out about her pregnancy on FB.  Im not sure what to say to her or even if I am ready to talk to her, its going to be bad enough to have to look at her pregnant belly let alone her face :/.  I have asked my hubby to call his brother and ask him to let her and himself know that I DO NOT WANT to talk about the miscarriage or our next steps, I just want to be left alone.  I hope I dont sound too bitter but its just the way I am feeling right now, maybe just maybe tomorrow I will feel different.........

blah blah....

Not much to report....... Hubs and I went to the beach this last weekend and had a wonderfully beautiful day on saturday :)  We spent time walking on the beach with Mo and spending some alone time together.  We also started doing P90X this week, man oh man I am so so sore!  I am still feeling super bloated and have some pretty good pains in my abdomen at times which im sure is just my body healing.  I am excited to be working out again, I have missed running I cant believe I am writing that!!!!!!  Nothing new on the work front, still waiting on a call back from the hiring manager at corporate.  We launched red cups today as well as the super popular holiday drinks (boo egg nog) it seems so surreal that its that time of year already!

when does it end.....

I am heartbroken, my friends who did IVF a month after us just lost their baby.  I was praying so hard for them to have their miracle, to beat the odds, to bring a beautiful healthy baby into the world.  To my friends and others who have lost, words can not express how sorry I am for you, I feel your pain and grieve with you.  I pray that in the near future we will get our miracle.  We will win the fight.............. I love you all so very much.

here it comes.....

Today AF arrived..........  I really wasnt expecting it to come so soon, 4 weeks to be exact.  I guess its a good thing right????  Means my body is healing.  Still the reality of going to the bathroom and seeing blood is very overwhelming to me, the sight of blood from down there makes me want to scream and pass out.  Honestly I dont know what I was expecting, I knew this day would come.  Yesterday I would have been 12 weeks, yesterday I would have been beginning the second trimester.  Today I am sad, today I am also hopeful for the future.  Yesterday I had an amazing conversation with someone who has gone through more pain and heartache than me, yet we were able to talk and help each other feel better. I   feel better talking to someone who has experienced what I have.

Throughout our entire IF process I have been very open and honest with our families sharing our story.  After the miscarriage I have felt the complete opposite, I want to hide from everyone, I dont want to talk about it.  It seems that no one really wanted to talk about our IF before but now want to talk about the miscarriage, shouldnt it be the opposite?  For those whom I have talked to that have experienced the loss of a baby/pregnancy its the last thing you want to talk about.  I have learned through our loss that someone in our family has had 2 losses, yet I never knew, they never talked about it, so why do I need to talk about our loss with them?  I guess im just feeling like there is a double standard for those of us who are IF.  I love my family, I am truly blessed to have their love and support, however right now I dont want to talk, right now I want to be left alone, right now I am trying to keep my head up and dont feel the need to talk and talk and talk.  Right now I am trying to heal..............

struggling

I am having a tough day..........  I have been comforted and inspired by some blogs that I have found and started following, however this weekend I read that a woman lost her twins at 20 weeks.  I am at a loss for words. Why? Why does something like this have to happen to a person who had already struggled with IF?  I also am a big fan of Bill and Gulianna Rancic, I love their show and have related to her during IVF.  I was so shocked today to learn that she has breast cancer....... why?  I have been asking why a lot today, why do I have to struggle with unexplained IF and a recent miscarriage?  Why do other women have to struggle with IF way worse than me?  Why do I have to get a new job?  Why cant I keep my job and have a successful pregnancy?  Why does the financial burned of IF suck so bad?

I am hopeful for the future because I tell myself to be, right now I am having a hard time, but I tell myself every minute of every day to believe it.   I am blessed with the most amazing husband and family, right now we are struggling to make sense of everything.  I know in my heart we will find the right path.........

Until then we await a January FET.........

life goes on......

So its been 3 weeks........ I am feeling PMS symptoms again, I guess thats a good sign.  I am excited to try again but also scared to death!  We were able to freeze 12 amazing quality embryos and I am very hopeful that our future child/children are there :)  I have a follow up appointment with my RE scheduled for friday, he told me that we could decide then weather we do a FET in Dec or Jan.  If we do it in January we will go on our vacation in December to Cabo, dont get me wrong I would much rather be pregnant!

During our last visit with our RE we discussed me getting a new job, he REALLY HATES my job.  I guess being on your feet 10hrs a day and having the stress of a Starbucks store manager is not the best when it comes to getting pregnant/having a baby when you already have issues, that might not be the best thing?!  So I need to look for a new job....great.  I have a monthly meeting with my boss scheduled on friday so lucky me I get to talk to her about leaving my store.  I am so nervous and scared, all I know is my job, 11 years I have worked for Starbucks.  Blood. Sweat. Tears.  I am so confused, should I start a new job? Should I stick it out?  Is there a reason I havent conceived on my own for all these years?  AHHHHH what to do......stay  tuned for that.

In other news, hubby and I are going to take a weekend trip to the beach at the end of the month, I couldnt be more excited :) We also bought a juicer this last weekend, check out the documentary Fat, Sick and nearly dead, its amazing!  Juicing at 5am has been our routine all week and its been kind of fun, the juice? well thats another story!